Eighteen years ago, Chuck and I had what seemed to most people a fairy tale life and a "perfect marriage."1

We had been married, at this point, for about twenty years. Chuck was a successful business executive. We lived in a beautiful, sprawling, three-acre ranch house with a pool, stables and guest quarters. We also had four gorgeous children, two boys and two girls. On the outside it looked like we had everything anyone could ever want.

But on the inside we were like so many others you see today; just existing with no joy, love, meaning or real purpose in our lives. All six of us were incredibly unhappy, unfulfilled and empty inside.

We were what the Bible calls "whited sepulchres," which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are "full of dead men's bones and everything unclean." It says "outwardly (you) appear righteous" (and loving), but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy. (Matthew 23:27-28) That's exactly what we had become.

What makes our story a little different from so many others you might hear is that we were Christians at this time. We were not "backsliding" Christians: We taught Bible studies in our home, went faithfully to church and prayed daily, but we had no idea what it meant to love God the way He wanted us to.

Both of us were teaching others that Christ was the answer to all their problems, and in our hearts we knew this to be true. Yet, in our lives behind closed doors, it wasn't true at all!

We often invited our neighbors to our Bible studies. We wanted them to share God's Love with us. However, our kids would ask sarcastically, "Why would our neighbors want what you have? You are no different from the people who don't even know God. In fact, some of those people are probably kinder and more loving to each other that you guys are." Oh, those words hurt...because they were true!

In the early 1980s, the Los Angeles Times reported: "Marriage is a quiet hell for about 50% of American couples. Four out of 12 end in divorce, and another six (that's ten out of 12) are loveless, utilitarian relationships to protect the children." Recent statistics now show that one out of every two marriages ends in divorce.

A "loveless relationship" is exactly what our marriage had become. We had what I like to call a "professional marriage" a marriage where two people are existing together only for the purpose of convenience, show, security or, as the newpaper article stated, "to protect the children."

Marriage Trials

Let me back up and explain how we got to this point in our marriage.

I was raised by parents who always gave first priority to their marriage relationship. My dad was always there for my mom and her needs, no matter what they were. He was there for us kids, too, whenever we needed him. Dad and Mom always seemed to have a "united front" on all matters. I remember a very calm and undisturbed household with no internal tensions or outside pressures tearing it apart.

When I thought of marriage, then, Mom and Dad's was the kind I envisioned and hoped for. I didn't know any other kind existed. So it was a huge shock to find myself married to a "dynamo," who placed ten times more importance on time spent in business and at work than he did with me or the kids. And it seemed the tighter I grabbed hold of him and tried to make him change to meet my needs, the more he pulled away from me and threw himself even deeper into his business.

At this time, he was chairman of the board and chief financial officer of a major computer company. He "lived, ate, and breathed" this company, thriving on the high stress and challenge of "growing" a big, dynamic corporation.

Chuck's typical workweek consisted of six eighteen-hour days, moreover he always brought home mountains of paperwork in the evenings and on the weekends. His secretary used to tell me he received between 40 and 50 important phone calls to return each day. It was an incredibly high pressure job, but Chuck loved it.

Chuck loved to travel. He was on the road or more precisely, "in the sky" an average of one-to-two weeks each month. You can imagine the result of this kind of lifestyle he had very little time for home and family. When he was home, with all the tremendous pressures on him, he would be totally preoccupied with the phone, the computer, business reports, mail, and other pressing issues.

When I complained about his long hours at the office or his travel, he just responded, "Hey, that's what you married; that's what you're stuck with!" In other words, "Don't rock the boat! Don't try to change me!"

Personality Differences

Chuck has incredible verbal abilities. These abilities are great assets in the business world, but these same attributes are devastating if you are on the other end of an argument with him.

I used to have the best "fights" with the bathroom mirror before or after confronting Chuck. In the bathroom I could always say just the right things. But when actually talking with Chuck, it would all come out wrong; or he would use a word I didn't understand, and it would send me to the dictionary to find out what he'd just called me.

I'm not an explosive person. I have, in general, a rather placid temperament. I tend to shy away from confrontation. But when hurt or attacked verbally, I used to take everything inward and allow it to stay there, fester, and grow, because I didn't know what else to do with it. On the outside, then, I smiled and pretended everything was fine, but on the inside, without realizing it, deep roots of bitterness and resentment began to grow. Unknowingly, they began to motivate my actions.2

Financial "Roller Coaster"

In addition to our marital trials, we've also had tremendous financial trials. We have never in our 38 years of marriage (maybe with a few exceptions at the very beginning) had an eight-to-five job with a stable income. We have either been millionaires (I think we've been there twice!) or at the other end of the gamut: totally broke and paupers.

The last several years of our marriage have probably been the hardest of all financially. We have literally lost everything. Four years ago we lost our beautiful dream house in Big Bear Lake, California, our cars, and our medical and life insurance through bankruptcy when Chuck's company failed. Then, three years ago, our rented home was on the epicenter of a 6.7 earthquake and we lost many of our personal possessions. Financially and materially, it's been an incredible roller coaster ride.

When we were first married, Chuck used to say to me, "I can't promise you our marriage will be easy, but I do promise it won't be dull." He has definitely kept that promise!

Problems With Our Children

As if our marital and financial problems weren't enough, we've also had tremendous problems with our children. One of the reasons for the problems is that we were always moving. We have moved 25 times in 37 years of marriage. The kids used to ask us after a move, "Shall we keep our bags packed?"

We have four beautiful children: Chip, who is now 36; Mark, 34; Lisa, 27; and Michelle, 21. In the midst of our trials, 18 years ago, the boys were just teenagers. As a result of our continual moving, they had their own set of problems. Adjusting every year or so to new friends and new schools was very traumatic.

Everything seemed to come to a head in 1975, the year we moved to the San Francisco area. The boys were in a high school that they loved, but had to give up because of the move. It was a very difficult year for them. So they began to look elsewhere for answers to their questions, trying to fill the emptiness they were experiencing inside.

In addition to the boys' problems, our last baby, Michelle was born allergic to the "entire" cow. If she drank any milk or ate meat, cheese, jello, whey, casein anything from the cow she would vomit uncontrollably and have diarrhea for days.

Also when Michelle was 18 months old, we discovered she was hyperactive. We then began an incredible period of about four years where we tried desperately to find a suitable diet that wouldn't hype her up. She was forbidden to eat anything containing artificial colorings, flavorings or preservatives. We even had to withdraw apples, peaches, grapes and other fruit from her diet because they, too, contained the natural chemicals that cause hyperactivity. This left us with a diet consisting of papayas, bananas, fish, lima beans, squash, spinach and rice cakes. Try cooking for a two year old with that diet!

If that weren't enough, at the age of two Michelle began to limp. One day she just started dragging her leg. The doctors told us she had "a disease of the bone marrow" and if we ever wanted her to walk again, we had to permanently keep her off her feet and in bed for an indefinite period of time. Have you ever tried to keep a two year old in bed for any length of time? Imagine trying to keep a hyperactive, two year old in bed for any length of time!

Excruciatingly Painful Time

This time in my life was excruciatingly painful, with our marriage breaking up, our financial roller coaster ride, the boys' problems, our continual moving and Michelle's trauma.

Many times I would go to God and ask, "Where, Lord, is this Abundant Life I'm supposed to have as a Christian? You say in John 10:10 that You have come so that I might have life and that I might have it more abundantly. Oh God, where is that life? Where is the Love You promise us in Your Word? If You are the Answer, then why is my life so empty and so unfulfilled? Why, God, am I so miserable?"

Sometimes my feelings of unhappiness over our situation or Chuck's comments would consume me and almost suffocate me. I remember in 1975 locking myself in a darkened room and crying until I thought I would "die."

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever kept on crying until you thought your heart was going to burst?

That's exactly how I felt. However, since I didn't know any other solution to my overwhelming hurts, I'd push all those emotions deep down in my heart, lock them up tightly, force a smile on my face, and come out to begin all over again. I thought that by "burying my real feelings" and putting on a smile, I'd get rid of the pain and no one would ever know the difference.

I'm convinced the world functions this way because they have no other choice! I'm certain that without Jesus in our lives to take away our hurts, we are all walking time bombs, ready to explode!

The truth is, when we bury our real feelings, we never really get rid of them; we only program them down deeper and, even though we don't realize it at the time, those hurts eventually begin to motivate all our actions. This is exactly what happened to me.

I really wanted to love Chuck the way God wanted me to. I'm not a career-oriented person. Home and family have always been my highest priorities. All I've ever wanted out of life was to be a "good" wife and mother. But so often those buried resentments and bitternesses (that I had secretly tucked away), Chuck's curt responses, and the continual stressful circumstances would cause me to act just the opposite of how I wanted to act.

I know how Paul must have felt when he said in Romans 7:15, "I hate the things I do and I do the things I hate." That's exactly how I felt.

Example: Cold as Ice

Often Chuck would call from the office around 7 p.m., after I had already prepared a nice dinner, and say, "I'm sorry, Honey, but I have to work late tonight. I'll probably be home around 10 or 11 p.m."

Immediately the buried feelings of rejection and bitterness that I had never dealt with would be triggered and my composure would fall apart. I couldn't seem to control how I reacted. Those buried feelings were always right there ready to explode.

Rather than act lovingly, as I really wanted to, my voice automatically became "cold as ice." Even on the phone, Chuck could feel my attitude change. He would say, "Is everything all right, Honey? Is anything wrong?"

"No," I'd respond icily, "I'm fine!" Then, I'd furiously bang the phone down. Anger and frustration and hurt would totally consume me. I didn't know (at that time) that my anger was just a symptom of a much deeper cause. Underneath my icy exterior lay unvented rejection and hurt that I had never properly dealt with before.

All evening long, then, rather than catch the negative thoughts as they came into my mind (and give them to God), I continually "mulled" them over and over. Constantly I entertained angry thoughts about what Chuck had done. And this was the atmosphere my poor Chuck came home to later that night. Looking back, it's a wonder he even bothered to come home at all.

Proverbs 14:1 says, "Every wise woman buildeth her house: But, the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." That's exactly what I was doing, brick-by-brick.

I Hated Being a Phony

I knew the Bible was Truth. And over and over again in the Bible it says we are "to love"; we are to love God, and then we are to love others. Yet I didn't know how to do this without being a phony. To me, a phony is one who says one thing on the outside but feels another way on the inside. That's exactly what I felt I was being forced into doing.

Again, I would go to God and ask, "Will You please tell me how I am supposed to do this genuinely? When I fake love for Chuck, I feel like a hypocrite. And yet, when I don't fake it, there is no love at all to give. How am I supposed to love him genuinely, as You say in the Bible?"

God's Love Growing Cold

Matthew 24:12 is a perfect Scripture to explain what was happening to us, and to so many couples I see today. It says, in the end times, "because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold."

The Greek word for "love" in this Scripture is Agape -- God's Love. This passage is talking about people who have God's Love in their hearts (i.e., Christians). This Scripture is saying that in the end times (which is now), "because sin shall abound, the Love of Christians will grow cold." Romans 14:23 tells us that any choice we make that is "not of faith" is sin and will cause God's Spirit to be quenched. Thus, God's Love in our hearts will be blocked from coming forth into our lives.

I had no conception, at that time, that God's Love was supernatural and totally different from my own human love. I didn't realize that God's Love could only flow through me if my heart and life were cleansed.

I thought God's Love was poured into my heart when I first accepted Christ, and that all I had to do was claim it and use it. I had no idea that Agape was God Himself working through me. And the only way He could do that was for me to give Him a cleansed and unclogged vessel to use.

A Hopeless Situation

So without God intervening and doing something pretty radical at this point in our lives breaking the total deadlock (the wall, the barrier, the pride) in one of our hearts it was a totally hopeless situation.

I felt like I had tried every way I knew of to change our marriage books, marriage counselors, seminars and other classes. Yet nothing had worked. Neither Chuck nor I saw any other way out of our hurts and our problems but to escape and run away divorce.

I ended up making arrangements to leave Chuck. I planned to take the kids back to my folks in Los Angeles. Two days before I was to leave, Chuck and I ended up in another heated argument. Right in the middle of the conversation, in response to something Chuck had said, I blurted out, "But don't you ever want to hear what God wants to say to you?" (I meant if he would just listen to God, God would show him how messed up his priorities were.)

Chuck's reply was something I will never forget. Four little words that are burned into my memory forever. He simply said, "Won't you let Him!" (Meaning, "I" was the one in the way of his hearing God!)

Well, I was completely stunned at his remark and I sat back, speechless. I had always felt that I was the one who was "spiritual." After all, I was the one continually in Bible studies and prayer groups. And I was the one who had all my friends praying for Chuck.

Chuck must have sensed that he struck a sensitive cord in me, because he began for the first time to tell me what he really desired in a wife (and I quote):

"Someone who is easy and comfortable to be with. Someone I can just be myself with and not on guard or defensive. Someone who makes the atmosphere one of love and acceptance, not one of tension and judgment. Someone I can turn to for constant companionship and support, a team mate. Someone who would love me for myself, not for what she wanted to make me into..."

Chuck went on to say that he had always desired a family and a home because he never really had one growing up. But, he said, with my constant bickering and griping, I had eroded that desire. Then I had turned around and blamed him for putting his business before his family.

Beam in My Own Eye

As I listened, God began to turn my attention and focus away from Chuck. And He began to shine His Holy Spirit spotlight directly on me, bringing to light all the sin I had buried and hidden for so long in my own heart. He brought up things that I had never seen or understood before.

Matthew 7:3-5 says it so appropriately: "Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considereth not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of the brother's eye."

God began that night to show me all the things in my own heart that had quenched His Spirit and had become "sin." He showed me my judgmental attitude, my self-pity, my spiritual pride, my self-righteousness, my unforgiveness, my resentment, my bitterness, and my anger things I had stored up for years. These were things I had never given to God; thus they had automatically blocked God's Love in me.

God promised me that day that if I would give those things to Him and learn to really love Him the way He desired me to, He then would enable me to love Chuck the way I was supposed to. And I could be that wife Chuck was talking about.

The Real Problem

So the real problem was with me, not Chuck! The problem was my holding on to and burying hurts, negative thoughts and emotions (justified or not) and not recognizing that those things quenched God's Spirit in me and stopped His Love. It was "sin" because I kept those things, entertained them, and mulled them over rather than immediately giving them over to God.

Having the original negative thought is not sin. It's what we choose to do with that thought that makes it sin or not. We have three options: We can vent that negative thought; we can bury it; or we can give it to God.

If we can recognize the negative junk when it first comes in and immediately give it over to God, we have not sinned. We are still a cleansed vessel. However, if we choose to hold on to those negative things by either venting them or mulling them over and eventually burying them, they will become sin and cover our hearts.

God had been in my heart all along;3 however, I was the one preventing Him from coming forth and manifesting His Life and His Love through me, because I insisted upon holding on to my own "justified" hurt feelings. These negative things then acted like a wall or a barrier over my heart.4

So the first thing I needed to learn was "how" to release and give these buried hurts and emotions over to God. In other words: 1) How to confess them as sin (i.e., how to acknowledge that I "owned" them and that they had separated me from Him);5 2) How to repent of them (i.e., how to change my mind about following them) and; 3) How to literally give them over to God. We will cover these steps in detail in Chapter 14.